IF I HAD A HAMMER

In the annals of superhero movies, we haven’t seen many villains like Gorr, the God Butcher and that’s saying something. Played by a ghostly and ghastly Christian Bale in this Thor #4, Gorr is ashen-faced and dressed in white, but his choice of wardrobe is not a symbol of purity.

In fact, you would be forgiven for mistaking him for Voldemort in the Harry Potter films. Gorr, though, has a better nose and a weapon called the necrosword. It shoots the same blinding bolts of lightning that issued from Voldemort’s wand and made him seem initially so invincible.

Still, “Love and Thunder” is nominally a Thor film and we get to see him eventually. Thor has worked off the Pillsbury Doughboy avoirdupois and emerges from his earlier funk with a physique that makes Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime look like Mary Poppins. So, Thor’s pumped to join the characters from “Guardians of The Galaxy” to fight space demons. Why? Did Chris Pratt owe Marvel a favor? Best not to ask.

Then, having mixed it up with Groot and his merry co-horts, Thor takes up residence in the bucolic New Asgard, a cross between a Norwegian Hobbit village and Disney’s EPCOT.

For reasons that aren’t exactly clear, we’re treated to a play with cameos by Matt Damon playing Loki, Luke Hemsworth and Sam Neill playing Thor and Odin respectively, and a game Melissa McCarthy cosplaying Hela from the earlier Thor movie. The wigs are as bad as the acting. But that’s community theater in New Asgard.

Adding to the everything-but-the-kitchen-sink vibe, there are screaming goats, a creature made entirely of rocks, a cancer-stricken Jane Foster, and a bare-assed Chris Hemsworth refusing to bow down to a mincing Zeus, played for laughs by Russell Crowe, whose next gig might be spokesman for Weight Watchers. Dude, eat a salad for God’s sake.

It’s almost like director Taika Waititi couldn’t decide on which one movie he wanted to make, so he made several and mashed them together. Much like Thor’s hammer Mjolnir frequently splinters and then, having saved the day, reassembles and appears none the worse for wear.

It’s Bale who commands all the attention here and that tends to throw off the balance of the picture. It’s almost like he and Hemsworth are in two different movies. At one point, Gorr kidnaps all the children from New Asgard and that leads to a chase across the galaxy. Everyone ends up fighting on a crumbling excuse for a planet, and in scenes majestically drained of all color.

It’s lightning bolt versus lightning bolt, a battle royale that could light up Las Vegas. And as we have come to expect in the Marvel universe, good trumps evil and love conquers all.

Well, not all. Gorr lasts long enough to learn a valuable lesson and Thor ends up paired in life, not with Jane Foster but with a foster child. If you’re a parent and you’ve managed to sit through all two hours of this fever dream, you’ll understand.